In the next series of blogs, I’ll share with you some of my go-to notes when I get trapped in the drama of “disciplining kids”. Most of the usual day to day activities with kids turn into drama when I am not well rested or when I’m stressed. Since I am the one who drives this body and mind through life, I have taken responsibility and started looking for answers and help from people with experience, books and workshops.
When the series of sleepless nights happen, I turn into a grumpy mom. I am less patient and calm, I exaggerate and overreact even to simple things. Almost everything around me I observe from the place of lack – lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of energy, lack of patience and lack of self-love.
I have imagined things differently and now when they are not as I planned, I feel like I need to resist and fight to set them straight.
I started being more aware of my crazy moments and negative emotions now that I do my inner-work. I can reset myself. Ask for help, rest when I need to. Before I thought I was the victim and everyone else was testing me.
On a challenging day, I tend to allow my subconscious programs to surface and override my promises of how I want to parent my kids.
I turn into a person who instead of connecting wants to correct, and instead of understanding wants to discipline and punish.
I even start wondering whether I had it all wrong when I thought that spanking is not a solution… maybe it is?
I always seek for help and answers in the books. Then I even call the authors of those books to chat with them and clarify things that I didn’t understand well. I go to people with experience, I speak with other parents, I go on Youtube, check out podcasts and blogs…When I want to solve my daily puzzles, I found that these paths work really well for me.
In the next series of blogs, I’ll share with you some of my go-to notes when I get trapped in the drama of “disciplining kids” when I’m not really myself. These notes are from the book by Dr. Shefali Tsabary “Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn’t Work and What will.”
It is not a manual for parents like some other books try to be. It doesn’t tell you how to make your child listen to you. The goal is not to make your child obedient, but authentic. It shows us how in order to parent our kids, we need to focus on ourselves the most. In so many ways we are the kids parenting the kids.
We have to work on being present, conscious and whole. We shouldn’t parent from our brokenness. We shouldn’t push our own agenda on them.
The goal of parenting is to love our child from an inner feeling of abundance, which means we don’t approach them with fear for their wellbeing or success. Because we feel complete in ourselves, we have no need to make them conform to a need within ourselves. We meet our own needs from the authentic sense of ourselves we have begun to recover, which allows us to be there for our children in the way they require, free of neediness on our part. How they look or perform is no reflection on us. Wanting them to be happy and successful because we will feel better if they are falls by the wayside.
The truth is, when you start your inner work, you let go of the idea that perfect parenting exists. You accept that you are not perfect, but awake. You accept that your child is perfect as is. You don’t label situations as good or bad, but you take them as they are.
You are in the ISness mode, not Business mode.
When you are in the ISness mode you accept things as they are. You don’t read into them and you don’t let your fears overtake you. You refuse to be Ego- driven because you can feel the difference between your thoughts and your inner being.
When we are in the business mode we allow ourselves to label things as good or bad. We see things as either black or white, and we are trapped in only seeing the duality of things. We play a movie in our mind of how our lives and lives of our kids are meant to be.
We are not even aware of how much those expectations are influencing the quality of our life because we are in the business mode – doing, making, creating. We don’t take no for an answer, and we will do whatever it takes to make sure that the movie hits the box office – one way, or another.
Our kids have a role to play, the one we scripted for them – they need to be obedient, kind, generous, successful, good looking, healthy… No pressure. When they are not, we cannot accept that maybe that’s just not how they wish to be or how they see themselves. The things we wish for them might not be what makes them happy. However, we make sure that they do as we told them because we know better. We are older, wiser, and we have experience.
What if instead of disciplining them, we find a way to acknowledge them for being true to themselves? Behind every child’s behavior, there is a need. It is our job to connect with them and understand what that need is.
The truth is – we are still learning what love is. When we discover love from within and start loving our true being, we can bring that love to the surface and love our kids the way we should. Not from control, fear or neediness. But from the place of divinity where we are all loved just the way we are.
I have made so many notes on this topic, I cannot wait to share them with you. For those of you who are not parents, I think you will love reading these blogs too. They help you a lot with your inner work because despite what you may think – you are also parenting yourself through life.
It’s good to acknowledge the child within you and nurture it with love, patience, and respect.
Mind you, in the world of children mistakes happen all the time and we have all the luxury of this world to practice being better at helping them grow from those mistakes.
Kids are sent to us so we can grow with them too.
Please share with me in the comments below how you feel about disciplining kids? In what way you connect with kids? In which situations you feel helpless as a parent?
To the ones who are not parents yet – do you remember what methods your parents used to help you go through the perks of being a child? Did they take away your phone, shorten your playdates, no TV? How did it make you feel? It feels good to reflect on our childhood!